Thursday, 12/28/06

On December 28, 2006, I was still having a lot of pain in my upper abdomen, so I made an appointment with my Primary Care Physician with the hopes that he'd give me a prescription for some stronger pain medication. Instead, he sent me directly to the Emergency Room to have tests done. I spent most of the afternoon and night in the ER, having many tests done.

Receiving the preliminary diagnosis late that night was almost surreal. My husband, my grown daughter, Chrissy, and Chrissy's best friend, Amy, were at the hospital with me. A friend of ours, Len, was also coincidentally there for a problem of his own. His gurney was right behind mine when it was time for us to have our CT scans done, and while we awaited our test results his bed was parked across from mine so we could wave and smile at each other.

When the emergency room doctor came in to tell me and my husband that he had gotten back most of the test results and he had quite a bit to discuss with us, it was obvious that the news wasn't good. We asked Chrissy and her friend to wait in the hall, and I was conscious of our friend watching my husband and I as we heard the news.

When the doctor told me I was being admitted to the hospital with the possible diagnosis of inoperable Stage 4 Lung Cancer, which had spread to the adrenal glands and had possibly spread outside of the chest cavity, I never cried a tear. On the contrary, I felt a peace and contentment that surpassed all understanding.

I am a Christian and I have no fear of death. If anything, I actually look forward to the day that I will spend all of eternity in heaven with my Lord and Savior!

I think the "method" of how one will die often holds more fear for many of us, than death itself. That night, even that fear was lifted for me however. I had been in so much pain when I went to the hospital, but when I was given some good pain medicine all the pain disappeared. I remember guiltily thinking to myself that if they kept me doped up until I slipped away, dieing could actually be pleasant!

When I looked at my loving husband however, thought about how difficult it would be for my children, my mother and my sister to lose me, and considered my grandchildren who think I'm the best person in the world, I realized that I had to fight for my family. I also felt the sense that God still had more that He wanted me to do in my life, and that I would be letting Him down if I gave up too easily. I put my life in the Lord's hands and silently told Him that His will was my will.

My husband called each of our grown children that live in the area and had them come to the hospital, so we could give them the news in person. Of course, they each cried, but hopefully my smile and inner peace reassured them than their Mom isn't going to give up without a fight.